took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
