my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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