my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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