I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
