When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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