If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
