i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
