I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
be right there i have to get my cape
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
