Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
