I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
