soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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