He asked to "fluff my boner.."
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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