Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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