I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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