Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
