i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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