If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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