i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
