The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
