Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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