when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
