Just fell off a train. Bad.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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