What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
