it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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