I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
