There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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