dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I cockslap morals
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
