nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
