wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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