mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
