RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
