Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
