I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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