i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
