dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
