nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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