dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
