I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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