I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
