Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
