Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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