I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
