I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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