Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
