i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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