I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
