i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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