I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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