I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Semen is not good for contacts.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
