i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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