The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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