and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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