I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
