i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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