Will you blow on my dice?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
